tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
