Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my being single is dangerous.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
