Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
