Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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