1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize