Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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