Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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