i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
