Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
