Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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