but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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