If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
