I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
