At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
