You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
