ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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