Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
