How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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