My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ketchup is God's man juice
As shirtless as possible
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize