Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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