he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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