she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
