24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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