When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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