Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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