mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
