Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
