You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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