Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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