and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
