She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
