nut hugger
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
