either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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