i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
