I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize