There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
