nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
