I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
