I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
