I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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