i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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