I just pynch a tree in the face
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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