If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
