I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
