At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
