So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
