It's a beautiful day for a hangover
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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