i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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