if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
