I wish I only lived at night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
