Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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