dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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