Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
