i was born a porn star she said
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
