I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
