This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
