Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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