Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize