i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
