Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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