My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
