phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
